East Grove Blues

I have a problem with labeling things. Especially concerning myself. Its not that I don’t like the labels themselves, its just every time I do label something it falls apart on me. By trying to define something I ruin it. By calling it a name and giving it a definition I somehow change the thing and make it what it is not.

I wouldn’t call myself a Buddhist, but I practice meditation.
I am not a runner, but I enjoy the act of running and do it a lot.
I don’t eat a lot of meat and dairy, but I am no Vegan.

Last spring I was getting back into running after taking most of the winter off. I was running regularly and was considering myself a runner. I even though of myself as a runner as I ran. I liked the idea of me being a ‘runner’. Not a few weeks later I had injured my leg and was no longer a runner. The label I had taken on proudly was discarded. This is just a theory, but because I thought of myself as a runner I tried to live up to that idea. I pushed myself to hard to fast because that is what I thought a runner would do.

I have labeled myself a Christian on several occasions. It feels good to consider yourself something. You belong to a certain group and I was no different. It has always ended in disaster. Shortly after thinking myself as a Christian I take on what I think a Christian would be. I then become frustrated with myself for not being everything I want to live up to. I become frustrated with other Christians for not living up to the standards that I think makes one a Christian. I have always discarded the Christian label and all its idea’s. It is not something that I am, nor is it something that I want to be.

For me to put a label on something is to define it. To make it concrete. People are not concrete. We change to quickly and we can be influenced by to many things. I have spent countless hours trying to define myself with self help books or with religious books and any number of other things. I can never nail myself down though. I am to contradictory. I make no logical sense. When ever I give myself a label, I become trapped by it. I want to live up to that label, and I only get angry at myself for never being able to do that.

We call something a tree, but what is a tree? A tree is made of cells, but what are those? Cells are made of matter, but what is matter? We spend so much time trying to figure out what a thing is that we loose sight of what is most important.

I try to define myself but loose sight of living. I miss the point, which is the moment, this moment right now and the next and so on. This post has become a rambling mess, but I think there is a point to it all. Instead of us trying to be this or that, or trying to give ourselves names that don’t really matter, we should just be. Perhaps that is what enlightenment is. I’ll let you know if I ever get there.