East Grove Blues

Over the last few weeks at home it seems that I have been fed a bit of creativity. I never complain when these hit, I just try to use them as best that I can. In fact they generally make me really happy. It is like a piece of me needs to just come out and see what is going on. “Hello world, look at me!!!”

It has led to a couple of songs! This seems to happen. I will have a really intense period of writing and then a quiet spell for months or up to a year. I have to give my friend Ryan credit for the first song. He was trying to make fun of me, but I took what he said and ran with. Ten minutes later a had a song written and ready to go. I have been polishing it today. Hopefully I can get it memorized soon.

The second song came last night. I had both a really good day and a really bad day. It is strange how that can happen. Anyway, I was playing music with dad and I was messing around in drop D. I just started thinking about Salem and the Underground Railroad and I felt compelled to do a song about it. The next thing I knew I was free styling lyrics. Afterward I wrote down what I could remember but I probably lost have of my good lines. I have been working on it today and it is now a playable song. I will probably do some more finishing touches as time goes by but I am fairly pleased with it at the moment.

My favorite songs are the ones that I rarely have to work on. They just come out spontaneously.  They feel natural while the other ones feel forced when ever I try to play them. I don’t know if people could tell the difference or not, but I sure can.

Well I made it back safe and have been enjoying myself on the farm. The weather couldn’t be better and spring has come mighty early. We will see if it stays warm or not.

The flowers in the timber are amazing in the spring. They cover the ground floor in white and purple and bloom in succession for well over a month. It smells like home and green. I can’t really describe it well.

I have a hard time writing much when I am home. I just never feel the need to so I won’t be updating much until I get to Sandhill. I will try to update about once a week, but it could be more or less. (My guess is it will be less.)

It is around sixty degrees today and sunny. It feels like spring and that is happiness. It has been a rather long and cold winter so far and any hint at spring makes me feel better. It could still snow in march, or even as late as april, but god willing it won’t. It is supposed to be warm for the rest of the week. The best part is that tomorrow I only have one class and the rest of the day I can spend walking around my middle school. I plan to hike up a mountain and enjoy the fantastic weather.

I hope spring brings with it better feelings. It has been a dark winter with a lot of dark thoughts. I have been on an emotional streak since november and I am ready for a level playing field. Feeling better is just a hope though, but sometimes that is all a person needs to get better. There is some truth to positive thinking and the body can do some pretty amazing things. I will wait and see as patiently as I can, and continue to hope for some better days and happier feelings.

I lost my appetite for a couple of days. That is a strange thing for me. I am used to being hungry, in fact, it feels odd when I am not. I thought about putting more food in my belly, but there was no desire, so I resisted the thought. My brain kept telling me it was time to eat more, but my body just kept saying no. I regained my appetite last night and today it has been going strong again. I almost wonder if I haven’t been sick or something. I don’t feel sick in any way and haven’t had a cold in over in a year.  My body likes to do strange things at times though. I feel like a spectator just waiting to see what will happen next.

So I keep doing research on the internet. It is so weird. I will read one report and then read a different one that says the exact opposite thing. For example one will say eat tofu and then another will cast it as the devil and must be avoided. I really do think there is something for everyone. The most important thing I have learned is to just experiment and see what works and what does not. The other day I tried some fatty pork and that was a huge mistake. It was badness for several hours. On the hand lean pork heart is fine. I wish I could get my hands on some grass fed beef from the farm and see how that works in my GI track. Hopefully I will find out soon enough.

In four weeks I will be getting on a plane and heading for home. Perhaps by then it will have stopped snowing in Iowa as well and spring will be following. I can’t wait to see the progression of flowers in the timber again. It is such a beautiful thing and the best part is that after/during the flowers there are mushrooms to eat. Glorious mushrooms! It is truly spring when I start thinking about a ‘mess a’ rooms’ in the skillet.

I am playing a strange game of soft ball between the big house and my grandparents house. There are several player’s and we are trying to see who can hit the furthest. Some of the others have trained harder, but I am able to hit it the furthest. As we congregate outside the shop to drink beer my lower body becomes like clouds or mist. The more I drink the less of me there is. Like it is draining out of me.

I realize that my true body lies in the timber so me and a group of people set out down the gravel road. We encounter various problems along the road and by the time I get to the A-frame I am the only one left.

I enter a building/cave and there I feed some invisible force. It is sucking the life out of me. I find a way to see what is taking my spirit and realize there are several demons that tried to disguise themselves as angels. I fight them off, but they are strong. A man comes to the window of the room I am in and at first I think he is the enemy, but he is there to help. He comes with many kinds of dogs. The enter the room and then we all escape together.

After Christmas I had a nice lull before going out for New Years. I enjoyed the time spent around the farm. My favorite days were those when Dad and I wondered around the timber identifying trees. It made for cold hands, because I kept having to look in my book, but it made for warm thoughts and interesting ideas about the farm. There is so much there that I just don’t understand and that I never saw before. It was always just full of trees, I could maybe guess I few of them, but I didn’t know what they did or why they grew where they did.

New Years ended up being much like the year before. Annie, a friend of mine I met by chance a few years ago, and some of her friends went out. I was still on an anti-biotic so I volunteered as the DD. We had dinner in Burlington where I had a huge steak but could only eat about four ounces of it. We went to Fun City, which wasn’t that fun, but was big enough to be a city for me, and then went to Fort Madison. There we hit the usual haunts and actually listened to a pretty decent live band. All in all it was a good evening.

I traveled up to Chicago and saw some friends, and made it back to Iowa for the bowl game. By then I was tired of people. I was happy to see everyone up near Chicago and I look forward to seeing them again when I get home, but by the time it was all over I was exhausted. Three weeks of constant socializing had left me feeling pretty tired. The spent the remainder of my time relaxing and talking about my future plans to everyone.

I was really surprised by the outpouring of support for my ideas. In fact it was a bit overwhelming. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to ground myself and get myself on the right path to future job prospects. I have a lot to learn in the next few years if all goes well. I’ve been known to change my plans though so I am trying not to get to far ahead of myself.

Remember everyone, I need criticism! Without it I become to idealistic. Justin helped me remember that today. I need to stay realistic and within my means. This doesn’t mean I can’t dream and be ambitious. I just have to take careful steps along the way. I have a tendency to build up to much only to not be able to finish what I started.

I had a lovely time during Christmas. I got to see a lot of my cousins and many aunts and uncles I hadn’t seen in at least a year if not more. I would have like to have seen more, but that can wait until I get home in April.

After the wedding I got pretty ill. I wasn’t surprised. I don’t do well with lack of sleep and two days of drinking. Thankfully it will be a good long time before that kind of perfect storm happens to send me back to the depths of illness. I went to the Doctor and got some medication (two things I dislike doing), but it was for the better in the long run.

Like I said Christmas was spent with family. We ate a lot of good food and I talked about my future plans for when I get home. They keep changing and evolving and being home and talking to everyone really helped me focus on what I want to be doing. I got a lot of good support from everyone, but I will go on about that in a later post. Mostly we played a lot of music. When ever we had time and willing listeners we played. Even if we didn’t have willing listeners we played. It was one of the best family Christmases we’ve ever had. No one was out of control and everyone was having a really good time. Its the kind of thing you hope for after being gone for an entire year.

The next day we continued our merriment with Caroling tradition we started many years ago. We all gathered in my Grandpa’s shop and continued to eat, sing and drink lovely homemade beer. I wasn’t able to drink, but I think that worked out for the best. I was still a little tired and I really didn’t need to be drinking at any point. I got that out of my system at the wedding.

After everyone was gathered we practiced our songs and then made our way in a caravan of cars and trucks to all the people’s houses we were to sing at. I always enjoy our neighbors faces as they open the door and see us there singing poorly, but with lots of gusto. As per usual we ate many Christmas cookies and other delectables. After a winding trip and a stop in the dungeon we made it back to home and played a little music again and just chatted into the evening. Everyone seemed a little tired and I think this was the first day that I got to bed before one in the morning.

All in all it was one of the best Christmas’s ever.

So a couple of months ago I was having some really intense dreams. Things I couldn’t get out of my mind. Every morning I would wake up and remember what I had done that night and I wasn’t forgetting them like I normally would have. I started to notice a trend. I was almost always dreaming of Iowa in some way or another and most of the dreams were apocalyptic in nature. (Mostly me running from something) I can still remember some of them vividly even now.

The dreams made me curious. What were they telling me? What the hell did they mean? I went online and starting reading some Carl Jung. He is a very interesting fellow with some good ideas. If you ever get the chance, read some of his works. Anyway, what I got out of that was to start a dream journal. So I did. I wrote down, as best that I could, all of the dreams that I could remember. I have had some pretty wacky dreams, and I dream them a lot. It’s crazy at times and its impossible for me to remember everything by the time I get to writing it down.

I am happy to say that the apocalyptic dreams have subsided for the moment. Perhaps I got the message and am proceeding the way my subconscious wants me to, or maybe not, it’s hard to tell. The other theme has not gone away. I dream about the farm almost every night in some way or another. It can be anywhere from my parents house, the timber, the A-frame, the shop or my grand parents house. Sometimes its with people from different countries and sometimes I am not even speaking English, but I am almost always on the farm. In the last ten days I dreamed about the farm eight times.

This is going to sound silly but I believe in omens and such. Following a feeling because it seems right for no reason that I can identify. Going down a path because I heard a bird call, or turning around because of something strange that doesn’t feel right. I can’t really explain it to make any sense, nor can I sit here and tell you the logic behind it, because that would be impossible and a waste of time. It’s just the way I am. So if I am dreaming about being on the farm most nights it might be a good idea (in my mind) to listen to what that is telling me.

You can say what you will about dreams and what wisdom is in them. I think we have forgotten much that we shouldn’t and are only now starting to rediscover. If I have learned anything of actual substance from all this is that I think about home a lot more than I realized, and that I miss it far more than I would admit to myself or others. I am curious to know what everyone else dreams about and if they have consistent themes like I do.

Japan is the second place I have ever lived that had mountains and an ocean near by.

I have to admit that the mountains are very beautiful. They can be tall and majestic, dark and sinister or simply an obstacle to pass on my way. I like the little streams that come down and the winding roads that go from small town to small town. The mountains of Japan are covered in all sorts of trees and a lot of under growth. This makes them a bother to try to hike on unless you’re on an established trail. The spring and fall are especially beautiful and the colors are dazzling.

There is a downside to mountains too. They block the sun, moon and stars. Which can make for a very cold winter day. The sun rises late right now, but its even later before I ever get a chance to see it. Its cool to see the clouds touch the mountain tops, but they often descend into the valley and obscure all vision. The worst part though is the lack of thunderstorms. It rains often enough, but it never thunderstorms. I don’t even know what the weather will be like because I can’t see past my little valley. It frustrates me that I can’t see a storm coming from several miles away. I miss thunder, I missed it in Whales and I miss it now.

The ocean to is amazing. Its big and blue and beyond all of my comprehension. Every time I have gone swimming in it I could feel the power of the tides. It is over whelming in scope. I have no words to accurately portray it. In fact it’s just too big. It is nice to look at but it doesn’t draw me to it. I only live a short drive from the sea and I maybe see it once a month. I don’t like swimming in the sea either. Its cold, tastes bad and leaves my skin slimy. Give me a pond any day. The sea breeze is nice, but a good wind off the plains is far better to me.

What I am coming to is that I miss flat land and what comes with it. I like coming off a flat road and descending into a river valley, only to climb quickly out of it and return to the plains. I miss weather that I can read from afar and that can shake the entire house with its intensity. The mountains and the ocean are very nice, and I can see why people like to live in them, but they are not really for me. I nice place to visit yes, but not somewhere I want to live permanently. I wouldn’t have known this unless I had tried. If I had stayed in the mid-west I would surely be pining for the ocean. We always want what we can’t have. We always desire what our imagination tells us might be better.

I explained how I felt about coming home, but now I’d like to explain what led me to the feeling.

Japan has been good to me. I have had a good job with great kids. I live in a great place, nestled in the mountains next to a bubbling river. I am only a short drive from the Pacific Ocean and some of the greatest seascapes that I have ever seen. The weather is almost exactly like home, but perhaps is a bit wetter. I have lots of friends and I am usually doing one activity or another. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

The thing is though, even though I am doing all these things, there are a few that stick out that I would like to be able to do more of.

Music is one. I play once a week with a Blue Grass band from Miyako. I was surprised and very pleased to join and be able to play so often with other people. It has been a great experience. I have gotten a lot better at the banjo and guitar. I have written several new songs and have a few more in the works. I have learned so much from the group. I want to play more and I want to learn more. As much as I get from them I, I still have problems asking how to do things, and that frustrates me. I know I can learn a lot more, but it would be a lot easier at home. I would like to be near a music scene that is alive and full of people closer to my own age. I like blue grass, but my playing style is more related to folk than to anything else. I don’t want to have to drive forty minutes to be able to see or play anything with other people.

Another activity is Yoga. I love Yoga. It is the glue that keeps all my other activities together and focused. It helps with everything; from running, biking or swimming. (Not including my everyday life.)I have been doing it for over a year and a half and I can both see and feel the change that my body has gone through. Recently I have been lucky enough to be able to both teach and have a teacher. This has improved my Yoga tremendously. Having a teacher has really shown me how much I can improve and where I need to improve. I love doing Yoga by myself, but I work myself a lot harder when there are other people around. I push myself to new levels. I really want to start focusing more on my Yoga. I enjoy doing it and I enjoy teaching it and I want that to be a larger part of my life than it is now. I am starting to do that now, but I know I could do so much more. I want to be around an area that has more days that I can take Yoga with a group. I also want to be around people who can explain to me things in my own language and where I can do likewise. I honestly don’t have the desire to get my Japanese to that level. Language is not something I have ever been good at. (This is true for English as well as any of the others that I have tried to learn.)

Ever since the Peace Corps my diet has changed a lot. I used to be a meat and dairy man. Now I rarely eat either, if at all. I would like to cut out meat all together. (For reasons I will post later.) I can’t do that here. I eat at school and I think it would be too rude for me to say to the Board of Education that I no longer want to eat the food they provide. I get weird looks as it is when I don’t drink the milk. Living on my own, with out a provided lunch would go a long ways towards accomplishing my goals.

To be honest I would like to be close to my family more. I have lived most of the last four years away from home. I think I would like to be closer to everyone. I can do that and still be far enough to not go to crazy. No one is getting any younger and I would like to be around more to help out when I can. I can’t do that at all when I live in a different country. It doesn’t mean I will stop traveling, but it does mean that I might take a break for a bit and reassess my options.

I know that it is a little strange to leave a decent paying job that I enjoy, but when my gut tells me its time to go I always listen. It knows better than I do and it has never lead me astray. It just feels like the right thing to do. I have put here just a few of the many reasons. These just stick out a bit more than the others.

As many of you know and as I have stated time and again; I love my home. I love the trees, the rolling hills and the flat plains. I love the cricks, the springs and the rivers. Every time I come home from traveling I feel all those feelings and more. Its like Iowa is a fresh new place for me, full of wonder and mystery. After about six months I am usually ready to go somewhere new though. I can’t help myself. Its hard for me to stay in any one place for long before I feel a pull to see something new and exciting. It happened a lot in college. Staying in the states longer for a year made me antsy.

After traveling for a while I would feel a certain feeling though. You could call it the opposite of wanderlust. Its not really homesickness either. Its more of a need to return home and walk under the trees, to sit in the shop or to park myself next to a wood stove and read the day away.

Not counting times in Huntley that are vaguely remembered, I would say the first time I really felt it was in Wales. I had spent five wonderful months there, studying, hiking and any number of other activities. I was planning on staying a little longer after school, but an opportunity came for me to go home earlier. I jumped on it. The realization that I could be home was like a fire in my veins. I could think of nothing else.

The second time it happened I was living in Africa. I had just finished up most of my project and was seriously considering adding another year to my service. I liked my village and I liked what I was doing. I knew I could do a lot more if I stayed. I had a fairly serious relationship as well. Things were looking good. Then I realized that I could be home in a few months. Everything fell apart. I had no other desire. My relationship dissolved shortly there after. My heart was no longer in my body, it was residing in Iowa and waiting for my return. I enjoyed my last few months of service, but I just wasn’t really into it.

If you had asked me a month ago where I would be next year I would have told you, without a doubt, that I would be in Japan working as an English teacher. If you ask me now you will get a different answer. Saturday night I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, when I felt it. My heart raced and my mind went into over drive. My contract ends in March. I could be home in April. I couldn’t sleep, because I kept thinking of everything I could be doing. I feel hollow right now. Like my soul has already departed and is waiting for me in Iowa.

I am coming home for Christmas and I am staying for three weeks. I will learn then whether I will be coming back to Japan for another year or for a few short months. I think it could fall either way but I am leaning towards returning home. It feels like the right thing to do. Japan has been good to me and continues to do so, but I feel like its time for the next step. That could change during my vacation, but I wouldn’t bet on it.