The party has long since died down, but here I am awake and thinking so much that it is likely that I won’t find sleep anytime soon. The fans are whispering their lullaby’s but it isn’t having the same effect. Now they ask me questions that perhaps I am too scared to answer. How long must I lay on my bed on the floor waiting for the clock to blink me to sleep?
I have had a good reminder this week of myself and of others. Of what makes us who we are and just why we do some of the strange things that we do. At times I think I know who I am and what it is in this life that I want. As soon as I define just what that is, I somehow find myself doing the exact opposite of that. That makes me a fool and worse sometimes. Then like all people I am presented with a choice. I have to either face myself or run.
You can only run for so long before you catch up to yourself and make the same mistakes again. I’ve been running since college really. I don’t know what to do or why, so I bolt for one place or another. After time I catch up with myself and I go home to try and sort everything out. Failing at that I move on to the next thing and end up in a wicked cycle.
I’ve always tried to be a better person than I am. I read books on religion or philosophy and think that if I follow those rules than I will be a better person. That is utter horse shit. I always just end up feeling worse about myself, because I can’t live up to someone else standards. Who are they to tell me what to do? And so on and so on…..
Sometimes people bring out certain qualities in me. Not all of those are good, and in fact some have had terrible consequences. My last try at a girl friend was the opposite. I realized that I liked her because she brought out the best in me. The more she pushed away the more I tried to do better. To be the person she deserves and would care for back. That doesn’t work either. She left me and I was left without any identity. Part of me wants to run again. To take off and push off the pain a little longer.
I am tired of running. It’s like a hamster on a wheel, I am just not getting anywhere. What am I scared of? Well just about everything really. I’ve lost my identity right, so while I try to reform it I keep making bad mistakes and acting out of character from where I was a few months ago. But who was I a year ago? The same person I am now… It’s circles upon circles or sameness.
You can’t rely on others, or books, or words to make you what you are. I am scared of who I am and what it is I am supposed to be doing. Do I even have a purpose? I’ve lost myself in just about everything, from booze, TV, books to people. I’ve been told to find yourself you have to loose it first. But if I lost where do I look?
Before I get to aloof in questions I can’t answer I should get to my point. I know a lot of people and almost all of us are running. You may not even know it, but you are. I see it every day in people that I care about and I have had so hard a time seeing it in myself. I’ve probably said this all before, but I will say it over and over until I or someone else listens.
Right now I am staring into the darkness hoping that perhaps I can finally accept it. Ask me tomorrow though, cause I may forget and I might deny, but I do need to remember.
One mans story, is another mans shame.
I ain’t bound for glory, no no I’m bound for flames